Feeling a bit stiff these days, so decided to get a yoga DVD and try to regain some lost flexibility. (Who am I kidding? I’ve never been particularly “stretchy.” A long lineage of German peasant stock has resulted in a sturdy gene pool built for power, but not a toe-toucher seated anywhere around the dinner table.)
Found a tutorial titled “EZ Does It. Yoga for Idiots,” with a very zen-like guy on the cover, standing on one leg like a flamingo, gazing serenely across a white sandy beach at the vibrant ocean sunrise. I want that. Plop down the Mastercard, and happily drive home to get into my new yoga pants (first requirement is new clothes…loving this already) and roll out my leopard print yoga mat (you know you want one).
30 minutes later, and all I can say is Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.
FIRST OF ALL, the dominatrix teaching the class is not even related Mr. Serenity with the 6-pack abs featured on the cover. Noooo. And there’s no standing and gazing. She’s all “Reach. Stretch. Reeeeach.” Well hell, if I could do THAT, I wouldn’t be taking your stupid class.
SECONDLY, have you ever noticed that NONE of these positions are named after humans? Nope. Standing Tree Pose. Downward Dog. Frog, Cobra, Lion, Camel, and the Crocodile. And do you know WHY? Because humans aren’t built for these positions. They are not natural. Virtually every “beginner” pose they demonstrated seemed to start with the premise, “You know the way your body WANTS to go? Go the OTHER way.” Yeah, no. IF I could achieve one, you’d have to bury me in it.
By the end of the Warm Up section, I knew yogi girl and I were never going to become as one, so I tossed the DVD into the nearby soccer field and poured a generous glass of my favorite Cabernet. NOW I’m zenning…
I love yoga, but it took me a long time to get there. I used to hate it. Child’s Pose my ass. I never sat like that as a child. Ever. And the technical term you’re looking for is “bendy.” As in, “Did you see that crazy-ass teaching this Vinyasa Hot Yoga Class? B*tch is bendy.” Another point worth noting: “Vinyasa” is the ancient Sanskrit word for “you’re out of your effing mind if you think I can support my entire body weight on only my finger tips.”
Cabernet is a much better choice. :-)
Yep, Kate, a good, full-bodied red is so much for relaxing than trying to imitate the corkscrew. My wine rack is always full, and my door is always open to new friends… C’mon over!
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT…..HILARIOUS….I have SO been there!!
Sissy, we are SO from the same gene pool…not very “bendy!” Great to see you on my site! :)
uh nevermind sis haha,
Bryon, I know what you were thinking! :)
I am not too bendy these days myself! Today the muscles are sore from dancing like a fool, yesterday. I’ll keep on dancing until the knees finally give out, though.I have never tried yoga and thanks to your post, don’t think I ever will.
Funny stuff!
I do love me my Rodney Yee yoga DVD. The others… used to be able to do them, haven’t given up yet.
But in the meantime, I’m going for a soak and a massage, bay-bee!