Those of you who have been reading my blog for the last few months (Bless you. Your share of my lottery winnings are in the mail) know that I love Hollywood. It’s fun, silly, and just weird enough to make me feel normal. A recent issue of Star Magazine (yes, I subscribe…don’t judge), featured an anorexic child actress extolling the virtues of a new diet pill, saying it “gave her back her figure” (From where?? In your 16 genetically-blessed-and-never-had-a-baby years on this planet, what, were you up 8 OUNCES?)
This got me thinking about my weight battle over the years. When your sister is a size 2 and your mother is a size 6, a size 8-10 makes you the chubby one. My youth is littered with remnants of stupid diet tricks that scream “What was I thinking?” (Here’s where you ask, “So what did you DO?”) Okay, here goes. My personal All-Time Dumb Diet Ideas That I Actually Tried:
In my 20s:
1. Smoking. My 92-lb. college roommate assured me that if I smoked when I got hungry, I’d lose weight. Six months later, I was a chubby smoker. Yeah, that got me dates.
2. Laxatives. Great idea if you plan to live your life locked in your bathroom. And even if you could come out long enough to go anywhere, every dating conversation was interrupted with promises to “Be right back!” as you scrambled for the nearest ladies room at 60 second intervals. (One particularly promising evening, by the fourth time I came back, he’d gone home. Ended the date and the diet.)
3. Purging. A fancy word for “making yourself throw up.” (Hey, it was good enough for Princess Diana.) Still, the thought of sticking my finger down my throat to make myself throw up pretty much made me, well…throw up. Moving on.
In my 30s:
4. The Martini Diet. Second cousin to the Smoking Diet, but with gin. Since I don’t like gin, I substituted Kahlua and cream. Gained 4 pounds in the first week.
5. The Tapeworm Diet. Okay, I didn’t actually try this one. But I thought about it. A tiny little guy that lives in your tummy and eats all the junk you ingest before it hits your hips? That’s a better fairy tale than Snow White. Alas, since I couldn’t find a store that actually sold tapeworms, it was not to be.
6. The Phen/Fen Diet. Basically, this stuff is Chinese speed. Didn’t lose any weight, but damn, I got stuff done. By the 3rd consecutive night of NO SLEEP, I looked like crap and faceplanted into my fettuccine at Ye Old Spaghetti House, snoring into my cream sauce until Hubs carried me out, shouting to the patrons about the “bad shrimp.”
In my 40s:
7. The Praise the Lord Diet. This program tells you that God wants you to be hungry, as a sign of humility and gratitude. By day 5, I was decidedly UN-grateful and quit going to church. (I eventually went back because they were having their annual potluck after the service. God and I made up over homemade mac ‘n cheese, and He told me He never authorized that book. Ha. I knew it.)
8. The Cookie Diet. These are large “cookies” made up of oats, bran, fiber and sawdust. They taste like drywall and are intended to replace food you actually like. You can’t drink enough water (okay, wine) to swallow these, so I substituted 2 boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints. The next morning’s weigh-in suggested that “Eat Cookies and Lose Weight!” was a bit misleading.
9. Fasting. This worked until I got, uh, hungry. The world’s only 3-hour diet. Whose idea was this?? If I had the willpower to NOT EAT, the aforementioned Dumb Ideas #1-8 would be limited to The Wine Lover’s Diet (no, you won’t lose an ounce, but WHO CARES?).
And now, in my 50s:
10. The Screw It, I Feel Great Diet. Ooh, is that a brownie?
Also the grapefruit diet and cabbage soup diet. Oh, and this is going wayyyy back, the Metrecal diet. Remember that?
Love the 50s diet, because seriously anything with brownies is sure to have my vote, lol!!
I think I’m on the 50’s diet… I’m 22… Eh, I’m okay with it :)
I like the martini diet!
Ha! The grape fruit and soup diets!!! My parents went for those many times when I was a kid. They look about the same. No further comment.
HA HA HA!! I tried the smoking diet in college, and it totally did not work for me either. This is hilarious!-Ashley
Oooo! I did the Hydroxycut diet before they took out all the good stuff (that would apparently dissolve your heart). I miss that stuff. Think of all the laundry I could get folded! Btw, it didn’t really work either. I was just twitchy and pudgy.
I’ve tried the photo of a buff girl on my pantry door – fail. I’m skipping to the 50’s diet right now. Especially since I just ate a brownie with my cup of coffee as my mid morning snack.
Brilliant. You gave me my first guffaw of the day. :)
Though I may not even be 35 yet, I am fully embracing your 50s diet…thanks for the inspiration! My favorite line was, “Yeah, *that* got me dates!” I love your style…
I suppose I’m in my 50’s then. I am with you, Vikki Claflin, you show that brownie!
THat soup diet was the worst. What doesnt make you thinner gives you gas!
I think I will sit on my porch and have another Martini with only one olive! To think about a 60s diet. Hmmmmmm…… maybe a white russian diet. I want mine tall dark and strong…….tasting that is. Hey I’m not dead yaknow!!
OMGosh, I remember hearing about/and contemplating the tape worm diet. I also tried the, Let go Let God diet. Where you stop worrying about your weight, and let God make you healthy. By listening to your body when it says your full, trusting God gave you that ability, and trusting it when it says you’re hungry. Sounds a little healthier, but I guess I didn’t do it right…
Vikki,
I really like the combination of the brownies and bacon! Not exactly healthy but it sure tastes good!
Of cource, this is from the person who hates to play golf at Eagle Creek with his brothers-in-law who are both marathon runners. Not a good combination!!!
Love your blog!
I did A 5 year starvation diet. Call Anorexia. Not good but stayed at 102 my high school year. Never wanted to be FAT. Well I think I tryed most of the list. No tape worm so now also in my mid 50s. The word diet an I don’t get along. I have lost 62 lbs but what’s my word for me. FAT. So after all the Yoyo diets I just gave up.
I think I’ve been doing your 50’s diet my whole life…never had willpower. Once I tried slimfast before a friend’s wedding in order to fit in the bridesmaid’s dress. I lasted one day. The next day was ugly as I gorged on chips and salsa and anything not bolted down. Dieting and me have never mixed!
You and I would be friends if we were neighbors…and we’d share pie too!
This was hysterical — I had tears! Scary part is I have tried most of those diets and then some. The water pill diet landed me in the ER twice! I once went 4 days on coffee and life savers and then went to Denny’s! Thank you for the laughs!
I am all over that. As soon as I finish the Snickers ice cream bar I’m eating as I read this. #7 killed me. I’d probably make up with Sadam Hussein over home made mac n cheese. Just sayin’.
My favorite is the flu diet. But I rarely get sick. Which bites. ;)
Too funny,yet sad too that it takes us half a century to feel good in our bodies. Bring on the brownies!http://pattymackz.com/wordpress/?p=3002
Ha!Love it. The only diet I have ever done, several times, is the WW point counting. It worked but I hated it every step of the way. I turned 50 yesterday and have decided my new diet will consist of grazing all day. Its got to work because that’s what Deer do and we all know they have the leanest meat.
Loved this post! The 50’s diet is the absolute best. I’m on Kahlua and cream :D
I’m on the 50s diet — minus the “I feel great” part. Maybe the more I eat the better I’ll feel.
Ya know, though, I heard once that laughing burns quite a few calories. You’re helping us all out here with your gut-busting, calorie-burning posts. Thank you!
I did the Atkins diet (a book I had)in its early 1970s years and it worked like a charm -beautifully! I was a perfect 100 pounds after that. I somehow could not get back on it when it made its big debut a few years ago though….maybe I should give it another try.
Some funky diets I did was ….eating chocolate laxatives..tastes good and goes right through.
The cabbage soup diet…too much gas, this diet can’t last.
Hilarious! Sadly enough, I thought the tapeworm thing sounded good, too…O.o
I think I tried all the diets you listed, except for the tapeworm (um…no) and the purging (just thinking of throwing up makes me heave).
I also tried the slim fast drinks and bars, and Ayds…anyone recall those tiny chocolates? Yeah, give a dieting, hungry chub-o little bits of candy and tell her just eat one or two…um,,,,ain’t happening. Before I knew it, I usually ate the whole box and was looking for more…lol!
Now at 50+, I’m exercising and counting points…one of these days something’s got to work, right?
LOL….can’t tell you how many of these I’ve actually considered…or tried.
HaHa, I like “The Screw It Diet” That’s hilarious, especially cause I’m in my fifties and fighting the middle aged sag, lol
hahaha I love the last one! Beside, I make it a point never to do anything with the word “die” in it…
Brownies and bacon work for me!!
So gross, I tried the Smoking and Puking tricks. Neither helped my love life along either, imagine that?! :(
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Ha! I have tried almost all of those, too! Oh I loved Phen/Fen SO HARD! By the 3rd week of no sleep I would randomly cry for NO REASON. Like all the time. I think I lost 7 pounds in tears.
Thanks for stopping by the blog hop today. Glad I found your blog. Funny stuff!
You’re making me want to try the Phen/fen diet. I’d get so much done
Hi there! I’m a size 8-10, and luckily, never had to think these thoughts but you were very brave for trying!
I’ve tried every diet I could find – for a day at most. Costs me a fortune every time I start a new one. I imagine that if I hadn’t spent all the cash on dieting, I could have bought liposuction by now instead!
The smoking diet must have worked for me because when I quit I gained 30 pounds.
The good news is I’m with you, I just no longer care.
I did the gin diet. Had some fish on the side. I’m now on the wine diet but I eat plenty so not sure what I’d call it at this point!
This is hilarious! Sadly I have tried quite a few of these!
You’re awesome! No more diets ever!! :-)
Can’t stop laughing. The Praise the Lord diet is a new one for me!
I am currently eating MY FIT FOODS. We’ll see if it makes the weight budge at all! I gained 15 freaking pounds during my husband’s critical lung transplant scare. He lost 25.
I’ve been there my friend, believe it or not us men struggle with our weight too, and it was not fun in the slightest. I also tried the laxative diet, didn’t lose any weight, which was surprising because I was pooping like crazy. So I was still fat and now had a sore colon, so not the way to go.
I’ve tried several of the diets you listed as well – and they all ended just as you so comically described. Thanks for the humorous walk down memory lane, dear Vikki – hopefully we both burned a few calories while on our stroll. :)
Oh gosh, I needed this laugh today. Substitute cabbage soup and a a few others here and there and we are diet twins.
Your fifties diet is MY forties diet!!! WOOHOO! Oh look! A brownie with FROSTING!! AND…
A martini!!
;)