The Twins Are Not Identical
By Kim Dalferes
I’ve been lamenting for a while about my girls, my breasts, the twins. As I’ve reached Club Fifty status they seem to be in a race to see which can reach my knees first (righty is currently in the lead, but lefty is not far behind). No amount of exercise – bicep curls, chest presses, hammer lifts and the like – seems to affect their dissent. I’ve become so frustrated that I’ve talked about the possibility of a surgical breast lift. One incredulous friend asked:
“Why don’t you just try a better bra?”
Come on, surely this would not do the trick, right? To get these puppies back in place I would need, at a minimum, something perhaps steel-plated…
http://www.morguefile.com/archive#/?q=breasts&sort=pop&photo_lib=morgueFile
Truth be told, in all my fifty years I had never succumbed to a bra fitting. Like – I suspect – most women, ever since my first training bra at age 14 (I was a late bloomer) I’ve fumbled through cups and sizes and lace and under-wires in search of what I believed I needed.
I reached out to a gal pal whose chest has always impressed me. Well into her forties, her girls still ride high and proud. I’ve often suspected that she may have had a little surgical assistance to place everything back where God intended things to be. I was surprised to discover that she credits her perky silhouette to her extensive bra collection. She directed me to her best resource for undergarments; highly recommending that I ask for a bra fitting at a place called .
As I entered I had no idea what to expect. I was immediately impressed with the surroundings: lacy, tasteful, and very colorful bras and panties lined all the walls of the store. Silk robes and cute t-shirts were interspersed amongst the vast array of every type of undergarment I could possibly imagine.
A wonderful sales associate named Kaileigh greeted me and would spend the next hour helping me discover the magical world of a well-fitting bra. Kaileigh’s first question:
“What size bra do you wear?”
“38 C.”
“Hmm, OK,” she replied, “let’s take a measurement.”
I was surprised that she measured below my breasts, around my rib cage. First lesson: the correct band size for a bra is not across your breasts, it’s below them. Guess what: I’m a 34! As background, click here for an article from Real Simple magazine about how to correctly measure your bra size.
Kaileigh’s next move was even more surprising. Without telling me the cup size, she brought me a t-shirt bra to demonstrate a little before and after magic.
The cup size, my correct cup size: DDD! That’s not a typo! I couldn’t believe it. This was not some sort of uber-constructed push-up bra; it was a well-fitting yet fairly basic nude colored bra. As you can see from the before and after photos, it gave the girls a much needed lift. I was assured that a 34 DDD is a very common bra size for American women.
Kaileigh explained that most American women wear bras that are too big in the band and too small in the cup. This causes up-creep across your back and the dreaded “third-boob” spill over in the front. She also explained that a DDD in the US is the same as an “F” in France or an “E” in England. I gotta tell you an “E” or an “F” sounds a helluva lot better than a DDD. DDD sounds like something my Aunt Gertrude should be wearing. But I had to admit, this new bra did feel very comfortable; and was having the intended effect.
Here are some additional lessons I learned from a proper bra fitting:
The twins are not identical. True. I’m left-handed, so my right breast is a bit bigger than my left. Makes sense; my left obviously as gotten a bit more toning exercise over the past five decades. The correct bra should compensate for this.
Size matters. True. I went from a 38 to a 34, that’s a pretty big difference. You would think that this new bra size feels very confining; but it doesn’t. It’s also very important to adjust the shoulder straps; your breasts are different sizes so the bra straps should be adjusted to different levels as well. The strap should give about an inch when you pull it away from your shoulder, but not much more.
Big bras are ugly. False! Kaileigh showed me a huge selection of bras in all kinds of sizes. Big girls are not relegated to beige or white. Some of the very large bras were down-right sexy.
You get what you pay for. Definitely True. My days of digging through the sales bin looking for the $20 bargain are probably over.
White t-shirt, white bra. False! I was surprised to discover that you shouldn’t wear a white bra under a white t-shirt. It’s better to opt for a flesh or neutral bra or, get this, a red bra! It’s all about skin tone, not the color of the shirt. I must admit I’m not completely sold on this idea… what do you think?
A good bra can make you look younger and thinner. True. Sagging breasts really do age a gal. I don’t begrudge one bit the women who have decided to let it all hang out. More power to ‘em. As for me, I’m all about putting my best chest forward.
After giving the new t-shirt bra a trial run over the past two weeks, I’m now a true convert. I’ll be organizing a bra-fitting field trip for my gal pals and their girls for after the first of the year; I’m sure I’ll purchase a few more well-fitting bras as well.
Have you ever had a proper bra-fitting? Were you surprised by the results?
Cheers,
Kimba
Kimberly “Kimba” J. Dalferes is a native Floridian who currently pretends to be a Virginian. Her accomplishments have included successfully threading a sewing bobbin, landing a 35 pound Alaskan King salmon, and scoring a ceramic sangria pitcher at an estate sale for $1. She also sometimes writes books such as . Her humor column – Dock Tale Hour – is published by Laker Magazine. She is often found hanging out on her blog The Middle-Aged Cheap Seats.
I’m thinking I should get a new bra soon. I love my mom dearly, but being built like her I see just how south her girls have gone at 83. Gotta go!
The power of funny in you two = hysterical laughter! xo
LOL Cathy – I’m sure you haven’t yet reached 83 yr old ta-ta status.
I haven’t treated my girls to a fitting and a new bra for ages. I need to go. This is great information!
Doreen, I went back for a second time and took a gal pal with me – she was amazed what a difference a good bra could make. At first she deemed it “false advertising” but now she gets it! Wishing you great success.
I do shop at a specialty bra shop, and yes! to all of the above. Even the red bra trick (which I really didn’t believe at first). Like you, I was shocked to find that I’m a DD, but honestly, who cares? A cup size by any other name and all that.
Absolutely Karen! No one needs to know your bra size except you and the washing machine.
Whaaa? This is a whole new world for me. Must investigate . . .
Let us know how it goes Diane – happy hunting@
I once saw this type of thing on Oprah, along with finding your right jeans. It’s so surprising to get measured and find out you are way off and then to realize how comfortable the right size is! I’m not sold on the colored bra under a white shirt either…my husband always says he can see that my bra is pink, or black…so now I wear a tank top under my shirt so you can’t see the bra, but that’s kind of not comfortable. Dang boobs…causing problems from the get go! lol
The girls sure can get in the way sometimes.
Over the last year I lost quite a bit of weight. Buying new pants as my size dropped was a no-brainer (especially after nearly losing them in public one day when I sneezed) but I still haven’t dealt with the bras. Thanks for the extra motivation!
Congrats on the weight loss! Losing your pants when you sneezed – both funny and makes me envious!
I have never EVER found a bra that I like. My sisters are picky.
It’s a challenge for sure. For me, it’s all about how my clothes look – what the Hubs likes never helps out an outfit!
Great post. Not often I laugh at such a vital public service announcement.
I have had a bra fitting, yes! I’m not going to say I look years younger (nor do the sisters) but it helps :)
LMAO Astra, I never considered myself a conduit for the public good. Can I add that to my resume?
Ha! I can’t believe you had been wearing a 38 C and it took you this long to get the right size. A good bra is everything!! Glad you got the lift you need!
I know, right? That’s a big difference!
I’ll give it a whirl, cuz these days, the only time my boobs look great, is when i’m in a handstand. Upside down, all that migrates back to where it used to live.
Darlin’, if I were in a handstand I would give myself two black eyes.
I need to get this done immediately! Mine can walk better than I do! Great tips thanks!
Good luck Rena. Hope all goes well for you and your girls.
Never had a bra fitting, but as one of the over 50 crowd, the beginning off your article had me laughing hysterically. Great stuff!
Thx Julie, if you give it a go let us know how it turns out for you.
I just was measured yesterday for new bras! Having such small breasts, I could just opt for a training bra!
LOL Janie, my best gal pal also thought all she needed was a training bra – they measured her for a C cup!
Wow Kimba I remember you talking about this a bit on your blog but the photos really seal the deal! Ha! Of course there is no such thing as a place to go for a “bra fitting” on the Island where I live, but you have inspired me nonetheless to treat my own girls better in the future. I see a shopping day for me in the not too distant future. :-)
Marty, please let us know how it works out. I picture you in something tropical, do they even have plain white bras in the islands?
As a woman who works from a home office, the key sign that I’m either a) going out or b) expecting a visitor is – that I put a bra on :) Not a fan! But then maybe I just haven’t found one that I’m super comfy in. Got me laughing as usual Kimba.
I hear ya Marla. If I’m on a writing roll I can go for days wearing nothing but my old FSU sweatshirt, baggy jeans and my fuzzy bunny slippers – sans the bra. When the Hubs gently suggests a shower, bra, and walk around the block I know it’s time to step away from the laptop.
I always tell people I am learning a lot by blogging and reading other blogs … I certainly have learned a lot here! I never have had a bra fitting but maybe I should! Thanks for the laugh – and the info!
You’re welcome Susan – happy to be of service :-).
I had a mastectomy a few years ago so one of my twins is false. At one point I realized that I was uneven – the false twin was not matching up to the real one. I went in for a new fitting asking them why they suddenly were not matching. The woman fitting me asked, “Have you lost weight recently?” Duh! Of course! While the real twin had lost weight, the false one remained the same size as originally purchased. I felt a little stupid as I realized that the left twin would not lose or gain weight as the right one did so I would have to remember to get fittings when I had a weight loss or gain.