Recently I saw a television interview with a self-proclaimed money expert who said that if you want to get rich , you should start a religion or discover a new diet.
Apparently a great majority of Americans are spiritually confused or fat. Notwithstanding the fact that we live in a culture where a size 12 makes you a “plus-size” model, while the average American woman wears a size 14, making our barometer for “fat” a bit skewed, many Get-Rich-Quick gurus believe that if you can address this issue with something people haven’t heard before, no matter how bizarre it is, you’ll be christening your new yacht before all the checks have cleared the bank.
This got me thinking about all goofy, stupid, or just plain dangerous lengths people have gone to in our repeated, but failed attempts to take off tonnage that years of crappy food choices, excess alcohol, and sloth-level exercise programs have put on. Intelligent, educated people will believe the most idiotic pitch if a product or plan promises “rapid weight loss,” and if the tag line is “without the need for exercise!” we’re lambs to a slaughter.
In case you’ve missed any, here are my favorite, actually-searchable-on-Google, Stupid Weight-Loss Ideas.
1. Salt your food after a couple of bites. I’m talking lots and lots of salt. So you won’t or can’t eat it. I tried that once on a piece of chocolate cake, but discovered two hours later that if you scrape the salty layer off, you can still eat the rest, so that idea was just dumb.
2. Take pictures of yourself naked. From every angle. Front, back, and sides. Tape up the photos where you can see them easily whenever you’re in the mood to overeat, i.e. your fridge or your bathroom mirror. Mother of God. One look at those pics and I decided to kill myself, so what difference does an entire pan of brownies make now?
3. Eat with your non-dominant hand. Yeah, tried that too. I was at a formal fundraiser dinner party and impaled my cheek with a shrimp fork, bleeding all over the communal shrimp bowl. The hostess hasn’t spoken to me since.
4. Use smaller plates to reduce your portions. Makes as much sense as drinking wine out of a shot glass so you’ll drink less. This just means multiple trips back to the kitchen to refill your tiny little plate, forcing Hubs to pause the movie every time you get up. Longest version of Titanic, ever.
5. Eat cotton balls to trick your stomach into feeling full. It’s true. Supermodels around the globe have discovered that eating cotton balls fills your stomach by expanding and taking up space (think tampons for the intestines), so you’ll feel full and won’t actually eat calorie-laden celery sticks. You just can’t make this stuff up. My response to this one is… Nope, I’ve got nothin’.
6. Purposely wear your tightest clothes to remind you how fat you’ve become, reducing your temptation to overeat. Yeah, because beating the crap out of your self-esteem all day long works really well, until you get home and rip those damn pants off, toss them out the bedroom window, and dive headfirst into a large bowl of Doritos and Velveeta cheese dip, because you’re fat, you always have been fat, you always will be fat, and you just don’t care anymore.
7. Just breathe. Then don’t eat. Ever. Breatharians believe that the human body can sustain itself from the sun, water, fresh air, and the Prana or life force that runs through all. Wiley Brookes, the movement’s founder, says herbal teas and water are all we really need. It’s hard to disclaim his statement, because his followers are mostly dead. He says that’s because they “didn’t do it right.” Personally, I don’t trust a man whose first name is “Wiley.”
8. Eat baby food. (Reportedly, Reese Witherspoon is a fan of this one.) The upsides are that it’s portable, easy to digest, and portion controlled. But it’s also nutritionally designed for babies, not the average, adult-size female. The jarred meats might be passable as really awful cracker spreads if you were really drunk, but pureed spinach will never be a smoothie. And unless you have a small child living with you, have these shipped to you online. They’re harder to explain in your grocery cart than your Depends.
9. Eat with chopsticks. This worked for a short time, as my spastic chopsticks shot food everywhere but into my mouth. But determination breeds skill, so I was quickly able to eat everything from nachos to ice cream with an impressive flick of my sticks. New skill. Still fat.
10. Eat a tapeworm. Disgusting? Yes. Effective? Yes. It also causes bloating, diarrhea, seizures, and dementia. And they’re hard to come by. You can’t exactly pick one up at Rite Aid. Even supermodels won’t go here. These girls eat cotton, but think this is stupid. ‘Nuf said.
11. Eat only things you can fit into a pita pocket. They’re thinking cherry tomatoes, broccoli, fruit slices, small portions of meat or poultry. Bahahahaha. My pita pockets easily carried two bite-size Snickers bars, a handful of Milk Duds, three Oreo cookies, and one large frosted brownie with walnuts. Didn’t lose any weight, but found a cool way to eat dessert while standing.
12. Drink alcohol instead of eating. It burns faster than food. Millions of people are on this and don’t realize it’s a diet program. They’re called alcoholics. If your liver (and your marriage) survives this, it comes with a free month at Serenity Lane.
And so it would seem that eating healthy foods, watching our portions, getting regular exercise, and reducing our alcohol intake is, in fact, the only way to lose weight and live to show it off.
I’m so screwed.
Wow, just wow! It’s easy to want something more fancy or mysterious than “eat less and move more.” Thanks for the chuckle!
Most of these I have never heard before…but they were funny! Weight loss success for me is presently in blue boxes labeled Jenny Craig!!
Pam, I’d never seen them before either, and I thought I tried everything! The only thing that really ever worked for me was Jenny Craig, but it wasn’t “magic.” I had to want it! :)
We are ALL screwed. How funny! Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. Now back to my waffle…
Cotton balls? We are obsessed, I tell you~ obsessed! These were a pretty sad list, sad for our society. Cotton balls. Geesh.
I agree, Carol! I guess if you’re making a gazillion dollars a year to stay thin, you’ll try about anything. But COTTON BALLS? I’d love to meet the first person to have tried that! :)
Vikki, as someone who is light years (and pounds) from those last five pounds, I am begging you to stop referring to yourself as fat!
This of course was hilarious, and I love the portable pita dessert idea! Maybe my next post :)
Nancy, you crack me up! And yes, the portable dessert pita works great. Who knows? Maybe there’s a new business there! :)
I tried purging for a very short time….after I bought the food, cooked the meal, ate the meal, purging the meal just didn’t make sense. That, and throwing up, well it just blows. I think I might have a go at the dessert pita! Sounds delish.
Cate, I’m with you. One try, in college, put me off the binge/purge diet for life! I always thought I’d try about anything, but now it’s just better choices, more exercise. Sigh. :)
I’m still cogitating the cotton balls thing. But the whole idea of giving up booze is what is baffling the hell out of me. The elixirs of my youth worked just fine for keeping the weight off…35 years ago. Or maybe it was that I burned off 6,395 calories a day at my job? Anyway, cotton balls? Really? SMH
Pattie, I agree! NO to the cotton balls, but YES to a little wine! Science says it’s good for you. Works for me! :)
Yep. I’m with you on the pita pocket. I’d be stuffing that bad boy with cookies and chips. I need to eat a skinny person too. Bwahaha! That’s hilarious. Right now though, I’m chocolate cake, beef stew, and bread. Lots and lots of bread. sigh.
Linda, I love that you put chocolate cake first on the list, before stew and bread! I prefer to start with dessert. That way, I make sure I always have room for it! :)
HAHHAHA…OMG…this is funny.
And you’re right..it’s all TERRIBLE advice.
Thanks, Michelle! Sometimes the worst advice is the funniest! But there are people who actually DO these things. Is it wrong that that’s even funnier to me? :)
The only thing that worked for me was giving up sugar pop and taking the bus so I had to walk to and from the bus stop. I’m still overweight, but I never gained back what I did lose. On the other hand its taken me about 10 years to walk off that 50 pounds, and most folks are looking for quicker results.
Meg, I’ve been working on the last 10 pounds since 1974, so I’m with you. I’m not sure if it even counts as slow, though. More like “parked.” :)
I’m still stuck on the cotton balls ewww!
I agree, Rena! Once you get the visual, it’s hard to stop seeing it! :)
I tried the smaller plate method once. It helped and worked somewhat well … at least it did until I figured out that I’m pretty good at stacking food vertically. :)
Marcia, you funny girl! I never thought of vertical stacking. What a great idea! Now I won’t have to make repeated trips to the kitchen. I love it! :)
America’s obsession with magical weight loss tips continually stuns me. Calories in – Calories out people! It doesn’t get any easier than that.
I agree with you, Cassandra, but alas, human nature will always gravitate towards what doesn’t require any change in their existing habits. We want to be able to eat whatever we want, skip the workouts, and still be thin. That stops working at about 12. :)
Wow, these are crazy. Cotton balls? I’ve tried the tight pants thing and you’re right, after a day of “suffering” I can’t wait to take them off and console myself with Nutella straight out of the jar.
Liz, oooh, another Nutella fan! I hate tight clothes. You’re right. Through the door, and off they come. Gotta make room for chocolate (and the wine)! :)
The tapeworm approach was actually used in the early part of the 20th century. Ewwwww
Kymberly, that one was definitely a ewwwww. I’d do cotton before I’d do a tapeworm. But fortunately, that drive to be thin at all costs has sailed. I’m 58. Too old to be screwing around with worms and intestinal tampons! :)
Yes I have seen some of these tips in action and have tried some, but really I just love good food too much. If it is not good I have no problem not eating..
That’s kind of where I’m at too, Haralee! If I love it and it’s fattening, I’ll eat and enjoy it. If it’s not worth the calories, I skip it. It seems to balance out. Sort of. :)
Terrible advice indeed! Funny though. And pertinent.
Thanks, Lizzi! Some things you just can’t make up! :)
Oh, Vikki, you slay me. You really slay me. I’ve just looked in the mirror naked. Please, slay me!
Thanks, Diane! Yeah, that naked thing SO didn’t work for me! YIKES. :)
Some of these are just gross– the cotton balls don’t bother me as bad as the idea of downing a tape worm. I’m gonna stick with smoothies and lifting weights; I know it’s gonna take longer…but worms, no way!
I agree, Denise! No cotton balls and no worms. Smoothies sound delish, though! :)
People really eat cotton? Ugh. So weird. This was a great post but most importantly it made me want a brownie and some Doritos.
I’m way ahead of you, Jill! Is it wrong that I was eating a brownie while I was writing the post? :)
Diets don’t work and Nancy is right.
You’re right, Chloe. They don’t work. They never have. But we keep trying! :)
This was AMAZING, Vikki. Laughed my fat ass off. I’m going to share it everywhere. Loved it loved it loved. (From, your plus-size friend Sarah.)
Thank you, Sarah! Love that you laughed out loud! Sweet words to a humor writer. :)
Vikki, as always, you rock! I had heard of all of these except the cotton balls, and all I can ask is how are they digested, and what does it do to your bowels? Just the thought is too gross for me to consider! While I used to fight my weight constantly, certain (controllable) diseases sometimes cause people to have the opposite problem. I have since learned that people consider it a compliment when they say, “You are skinny!” Those same people would never have said to me in the old days “You are fat!” All I can say is “don’t judge”. Thank you, Vicki, for the humor you always share!!!
I wondered the same thing! I’m thinking cotton balls, as a plant derivative, are biodegradable. I have to imagine they aren’t too difficult to digest.
I just pictured finding undigested cotton in my poop.
Thanks, Beverly! It is amazing what people feel comfortable blurting out. I wrote a post on that exact subject about having Parkinson’s, and what people should NOT say when they find out! Never ceases to amaze me. :)
Wait…. Do they marinate the cotton in teriyaki or BBQ sauce first and broil it? Oh sheesh, never mind– they probably eat a raw 100% cotton diet only. So restrictive these models are! But if they mixed it with some polyester, they would also stay wrinkle free. ;-). LOVED this post as usual! Please submit to Healthy Living vertical at Huff Post!!
Thank you, Ms. Menopause (Love that name!) And thanks for the suggestion! I haven’t submitted to that section of HuffPost, but maybe I’ll give it a shot! :)
I love this! I could not stop laughing. Cotton balls? Who figured out this was a good trick? And baby food has an obscene amount of calories for an adult diet. Sometimes a jar will be 600 calories. Which is too bad, because I love banana baby food.
Thanks, Suheiry! I thought of that, too, when I first read about the cotton balls. Who was the first person who thought, “Gee, this is a good idea”?? :)
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Debi! That just made my day! :)
Cotton balls aren’t bad. When they’re dipped in chocolate. Wait. I’m thinking Milk Duds. Carry on.
Heather, Milk Duds are one of my “not-so-secret” addictions! SO much better than cotton balls. And they go better with wine. :)
I’m sorry…I just have to ask. What do they look like, well, after they are pooped? Sorry!
Love the suggestion to take pictures of yourself from different angles. Pics of me like that would not inspire me to lose weight – just drive me to drink.
I know, Barbara. I tried that once, years ago, and it began a longtime love of red wine. I look SO much better after two glasses of wine. In the dark. :)
I think you forgot one: limb amputation. Guaranteed to achieve instant weight loss.
I did, however, find a fool-proof way for middle-aged, and vain, men to lose weight. Get your daughter to buy you a onesie for Christmas and allow her to take profile pictures and distribute them to the family around the meal table. It worked for me!
I don’t mind the being fat part but the fact that I am NEVER going to be rich just sucks!
b+
Laughing so hard I woke up my hubby thinking there was an earthquake! I had my teeth wired together for six and a half months (many years ago, lol). Took six months to take off 65 pounds, and three months to put it all, and then some, back on. Its amazing how many food items you can slip in through an eighth-inch crack, lol.
Love number 11.
LOVE your sense of humor! It is super sad what lengths people go to loose weight. It has got quite complicated in this world of chemicals and additives. It actually inspired me to become a holistic nutritionists. Of course, I totally believe in balance. After all, what the point of living till 100 if you can never indulge. Check out my blog for some practical tips!
http://bethleahnutrition.com/why-you-cant-lose-weight/
#5 You might got nuthin, but I got Something. Cotton Balls cannot be digested. The problem is that they can literally tie you in knots. Try this. Take a cotton ball and tease it out. Roll the long lengths between your finger to make “ropes” This does not travel through your digestive track in an even rope. It bunches, knots up, gathers up fecal matter potentially forming a bezoar, an impacted lump which can block your intestines. Welcome to emergency surgery. Eating any non food item is a beyond stupid thing to do.